Okay. So I’m trying to get into the swing of this daily writing thing, but it’s clear I need to manage my time more effectively. I have a couple of self-development projects on the go, and my lifestyle is such that I should have plenty of time to devote to them, but I still find myself slipping far too easily into idle pursuits. You know, the usual empty-headed browsing of memes and hot babes and absurd, pointless DIY videos. Mark my words though, I’m going to make a real effort to maintain some kind of focus this year. I swear.
Trouble is, I’m still stuck figuring out what to write, because I stubbornly refuse to post about my day. Let’s be honest, nobody wants to hear about my day. On the surface, I’ll admit, I’m like the least interesting person alive. Oh yeah, I got home from work and slept for three hours and then I vacuumed the fucking carpet and didn’t talk to anybody. Then I went back to bed until I had to work again. Post complete. Fucking fascinating. Scintillating.
My mind, however, is perpetually crackling with neon bullshit. It is a crystal cavern filled with thrumming spectral stalactites, prismatic shapes screaming down laser hallways and exploding through abstract thresholds in wild curlicues, like high energy particles in a bubble chamber. It is exhausting and I’ve got to let it out somewhere or I’ll go completely batshit bananas.
I guess Valentine’s Day is coming up, which is something that many people can relate to. Has everyone finished their last-minute relationshopping? Relations-hopping, as it were? Aha ha.
Personally, I’m at a weird sort of nihilistic Lagrange point when it comes to dating. Like yeah, the specter of loneliness haunts me on occasion and it can be truly dismal and unpleasant. But what is a relationship really going to do, aside from afford me the (admittedly awesome) opportunity to touch a cute girl every now and then? Is it worth it? In a world where I can press a short sequence of buttons (one-handed, even) and instantly set my eyes to thousands upon thousands of nude human females, is pair bonding an effective use of anybody’s time?
Like yeah, let’s be honest, it’s not like my hours are so valuable that I can’t put aside a few minutes of cat gifs to pencil in some human interaction. Even just being around a girl that is attracted to me improves my mood and self-confidence dramatically, and I am obviously a huge fan of a good uh… workout. But the setup, the maintenance, the constant anxiety and expense, christ. At this point in my life I’m pretty used to being alone, and it’s not half bad. I’m not stressed, I’m not depressed, I’m working out and working on myself and it’s awesome. How badly do I want to compromise that?
I don’t know. If someone wants to spend time with me I’m cool with it I guess. But I’m not down to chase anyone, I’m not down for mind games, I’m not down to babysit. Is it too much to ask that we just hang out at someone’s place, play some video games and have great sex? Is that crazy? Am I nuts?
Ugh, it just sounds so thirsty. Don’t get me wrong; I try to stay reasonably well-hydrated. I’m not averse to good conversation or casual hangouts or anything, but oh my god I feel like I can’t even remember the last time I’ve had a truly interesting conversation. It’s like the line between small talk and actual deep, meaningful discourse seems to have shrunk to an outrageous degree. Has anyone else noticed that? Is this an actual phenomenon? What is there to talk about anymore?
I hope like hell that I’m wrong, that there are still topics that can excite and engage me. I believe that there are, and I’m always on the lookout for them. Who knows, maybe I just need to change my mindset, and shake off some of the dust, so to speak.